In this conversation from the Dad the Best I Can podcast, we talk about the relationship problems that can come from being a ‘nice guy’, how we can learn to set stronger boundaries, and why it’s so important for us to model these important lessons to our kids.
Watch the full conversation with Dr. Robert Glover here:
Dr. Glover teaches us where we learned this ‘nice guy’ behavior, and how we can change it to help our relationships thrive.
We talk about the fallacy of romantic love as a basis for a healthy relationship, and why dating is not in our human DNA.
And how despite being challenging, how relationships can be a powerful growth machine.
Because this is such an important message to share, I chopped up this powerful conversation into quick, digestible clips, below.
You can find more clips from other Dads on the YouTube channel, that I hope you subscribe to here:
Dad the Best I Can YouTube Channel
Why I Wrote The Book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
- Dr. Glover wrote the book after his 2nd marriage
- How our best teachings are from what we didn’t get right
- Built up resentment comes out in two ways: passive aggressive, or ‘victim pukes’
- How joining a 12-step program changed Dr. Glover’s life
- Getting rid of toxic shame (in particular, sexual shame)
- Finding safe people to reveal yourself to
How I Teach Men To Be Their Authentic Selves
- Learning about boundaries after having a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy and going through two marriages
- Why it’s up to you to set boundaries, and the other person to abide by those boundaries
- The fallacy behind, “I’m one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.”
- Learning how to become an authentic, integrated male
This Is Why Relationships Are Hard
- Why we tend to be attracted to people who have the worst traits of both of our parents
- As kids, we develop a toolbox to navigate our relationship with mom and dad
- Tools include: being nice, avoiding conflict, never crying, not expressing feelings, being defiant, hiding
- We look for someone who feels familiar, who we can use these tools with
- Using tools that worked on mom’s depression or dad’s anger, don’t work in a relationship
- Learning this requires a lot of help and assistance — trying to do this alone is a fool’s errand
Boundaries Are Your Responsibility, Not Theirs
- Nobody really knows how to boundaries — you have to be taught
- When we were young, we couldn’t say ‘no’
- Boundaries allow other people to get close to us, and us to them, without harm
- Why it usually takes a coach to help us figure this out
- Setting boundaries is on you, not the other person
Dating: It's Not In Our Human DNA
- Dating is not in our human DNA — it’s only existed less than one hundred years
- Marriage used to be arranged or met the girl next door/in church/in school
- Wondering, ‘How come I’m not good at relationships?’
- Being a marriage therapist for 30 years, and being on my third marriage
- Romantic love as a basis for relationships has only been around 200 years
- Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet to illustrate the fallacy of romantic love
- Despite this, relationships done consciously can be a very powerful growth machine
- Why it’s always going to be a struggle, even if you find an amazing person
Dating: It's Okay To Be A Bad Picker, But You Have To Become A Good Ender
- Why it’s ok to be a bad picker, but you have to become a good ender.
- Robert was married for over 25 years, and neither should have gone past 3 dates.
- They were good women, they weren’t just good matches for me
- Why you should go on a lot of dates
- The whole purpose of the first 3 years of dating, is to keep asking yourself about her nature, and ‘how does she fit into my life’
- Being a good ender, keeps the door open for making better picks
Why Being A Good Ender Is The #1 Success Skill In Life
- Why being a good ender is the #1 skill in life — in dating, relationships, business, and career
- Being a good ender opens the door for getting what you want in life
- How to embrace this opportunity
Dad Tips: Get On Your Kid's Level
- Getting into your kid’s world, no matter what they’re into
- When talking to your kids, literally kneel down and get on your kid’s level
- The best thing you can do for your kids is love their mother
- One regret about being a Dad: not reading to and telling stories with my kids
- Spend time – make sure your kids know there’s a man who loves them
- The #1 job of parenting is to raise mature, happy, functioning adults
Dr. Glover says, ‘one of my favorite mantras is ‘What one man can do, another man can do.’ I sincerely believe it.
If one man can confront and overcome his Nice Guy issues and get what he wants in love, sex, and life, so can you.
These are the kind of talks that Dads aren’t having enough of, and it’s a big reason why I started the Dad the Best I Can podcast.
You never know what people might be going through.
I hope this conversation resonated with you as much as it did for me.
Please share this with a friend who you think could benefit from hearing it too.
Thanks for listening!
P.S. I’ve got a new book out, featuring nuggets from my best interviews with 50+ entrepreneur Dads, that you can buy on Amazon for a Dad in your life, here:
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